Flames
by Beacon
Summary: As Zuko reflects on his life and his connection to the powerful element he bends, he stumbles across a realization that can change his life forever.


An: I live! Yes, yes, my dear ones, I am alive and well. I'm terribly sorry for such a lack in updating in my other stories. Yes, and here I am writing one-shots while Blue Bird needs to be finished, Dreams needs to be updated and Dragons and Knights needs to get going. --. Yes, cookiesandmilk has been slacking, and she is terribly sorry. I swear I will update soon!

On another note, I had this idea last night, after reflecting a bit on the season finale of the first season of Avatar. I have decided I also want to some other character sketches, probably Katara and Aang, and once we find out more about Zuko's sister, I plan to have a bit of fun with her, I can tell, she's going to be a great character. . So, anyway, This is just a little drabble, rather serious, kinda angsty but I think you guys will enjoy this. Have fun my dears!

Disclaimer: Of course, I own Avatar, and Zuko is my love bunny... NOT!

Flames

In. Out. In. Out. Rise. Fall. Rise. Fall. I've often wondered about the connection between fire and myself. When I breathe, take in oxygen, so does the flame on the candle wick before me. It grows, becoming more dangerous, more intense, and then flickers and shrinks as I let my breath out. Funny. It's the only thing I can relate to, the substance of my powers. I know what fire does to people; it burns them, takes away what they valued and kills their loved ones. I confess, that is very much like how I live. Fire, no matter how hard it tries, will never burn me. Yet, at any given moment, I can manipulate fire to hurt others. An odd bond we have, fire and I.

I rise, looking down at the table of candles before me and with a flick of my hand flames die. Of any one of the four elements, fire is the most humanlike. It lives as we do, breaths from the air as we do, and dies when the time has come. Though we may deny it, being afraid to be compared to such a dangerous thing, it is as true as the fact sun influences and strengthens my power to bend.

I've noticed fire changes, just as we do. No matter how hard we try, we will never be able to recreate that perfect shaped flame, or the way fire sits on logs as it did in a memory of our pasts. We can only chose where to throw fire, unlike the benders of water, earth and air, once our element has left us, we have no control. Fire, like people, has a mind of it's own. It is always unique, always different then any other flame that came before it.

I take a step into the dark hall. Dark. I don't like dark. It hides enemies too well. But I should be thankful to dark as well. It protects me, from those who hunt me, from my father, Admiral Zhao, and even from myself. I don't enjoy hiding; I'm not very good at it to be truthful. I prefer act to attack before asking any questions or trying any other alternative. It's a bad habit, I know. Uncle tells me this often, lectures me, and I try to listen, but I admit I'm not to good at that either. Really, I try; I try to listen, to understand and be a good student, a good nephew. But it's hard; I wasn't brought up that way. My father never was very good at being a father. He didn't pay attention to me, or even my sister that much. When he did let us have the honor of being granted his presence, he simply made us have a mock battle. He focused on my sister, coached her and pointed out my weaknesses. I always was beaten, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I worked between our little seasons, with my fathers help, she always beat me.

It wasn't so bad when we were young, sister would always help me clean up my wounds and tell me it was okay and I would probably beat her the next time. I was the oldest after all and it was natural order. But that never happened, and I lost every time. And as this went on, my sister began to drift away from me. My father offered her special trainers and ever time we met and fought, the beatings got worse. My father began to comment on how weak I was, how idiotic how… unworthy.

It was then I began to withdraw from things, I turned to the only person I found I could trust, my uncle. I hadn't met him until I turned ten; he was in the garden when I slipped out one evening. He looked up from a rose he had been contemplating and gave me a nod and smiled. It was probably the first smile I had received in about two months and certainly the brightest one for a bought four. That evening is when I found my closest companion.

The cutting ocean wind takes my breath away as I step onto the deck, and I gasp and clutch the doorframe as the air is ripped from my lungs. It is refreshing to be outside, however, after meditating for so long and as I catch my breath I stride out to the middle of the deck. I breathe deeply and enjoy the feeling of cold air in my lungs after focusing for long on the heat within my body. The rocking of the boat feels natural under my feet. I have been at sea for so long I do not get seasick even in the worst of storms. I cross the deck and lean against the side of ship, staring down into the dark blue of the ocean. I can't help but wonder sometimes what the point is, my father had always been itching for a reason to get rid of my. Why even try to return? My life doesn't seem to have a point, just searching for an elusive child that I'll never catch, and I doubt I'll really ever want to. I did… but now? I have had my chances before, but I always seem to pass them up. Why? I snarl and shoot flame into waves and watch the steam rise.

Interesting, if I leaned just a bit more forward and adjusted my weight just so, I could fall into the dark waters. And maybe if I forced the air out of my lungs as I fell, I wouldn't rise to the surface and I could simply sink…

I could get away from it all. I… A hand on my shoulder startles me and I whip around to see the smiling face of my uncle. "What?" I snap.

"Prince Zuko, you seem tense, why don't you come and have a nice up of tea with me?" He suggests. Always so kind. Why?

"No. No I think I'll pass right now uncle. I was just meditating. I'll see you at dinner." I turn back to my brooding state and wince as a wave rises up the side of the ship and slaps me in the face. I cough the bad tasting water out and try to scrub my eyes free of the salt that managed to squeeze in between my eyelids. Uncle offers me a handkerchief and then turns away. He has learned not to push me into something I don't want. I cough once more and lean against the rail, trying to catch my breath and cursing the sea. As my uncle reaches the door, he once more turns to study me. I wave him away but he does not move.

"You should not give up Prince Zuko. There is still hope. There will always be hope." He inspects me gravely and then offers a small smile and is gone.

I snort. Hope. Fire benders don't need hope. We have strength, bravery, no fear in the midst of battle. What good is hope compared to those?

Hope. But I need it. I need the thing that is so useless to others of my kind. I have always needed it. Hope kept me alive at home, when my father ignored me, and my sister drifted away. It helped me get through the time I couldn't use my left eye and the skin around it was excruciating painful. Hope has gotten me this far through my banishment, it has pushed me to search, to fight, to always believe one day I will return home. Hope, I realize, is the most important thing I have ever had.

I rest my chin in my hand, and gaze out to the horizon. But why do I have to have hope? I could have settled down in some distant country and resigned myself to live a lonely life away from my family. I could have found some young girl, fallen in love and had a family. Hope. It's just another thing that sets me apart from everyone else around me. I don't want to be different. I want to have friends. I want to love someone. I want to be loved in return.

My uncle once said everyone is born for a reason, everything happens for a reason. What is my reason for being born? What is my reason for being banished? It certainly seems to be doing no good, for me or anyone else. It hasn't changed my father, my sister, anyone. Why? Why do I have to live through this pain every day? Every moment? I'm not helping anyone. Not my father, my uncle, not my country. What is the point? I suppose in times like these, it is a good thing I have hope. It keeps me from hurling myself over the side and simply letting myself drown.

'_There is a reason for everything in life' _Those words haunt me from one of my first nights at sea, when I was frightened, scared… alone.

If there is a reason for everything, why am I banished? Why did I speak up to save those troops that were going to be sacrificed? I knew that I should have done that, and yet, I did. So why? What's the point? What's in it for me? What's in it for anybody else?

_Not you… the Avatar… help the Avatar…_ the thought freezes me. Where… where did it come from? I don't care about the Avatar, the only use I have for him is to get a ticket home. I snarl again. The Avatar. He said once we could be friends, or could have been. But help him? Stupid. So stupid was the idea I had to laugh, even if it was a bit forced.

But I can't shake the feeling. Is the reason why I was banished to help the Avatar bring about the fall of my countries power? To help him save the other nations? It's absurd. It's foolish… it's not right.

I am a prince of the Fire Nation. I am loyal. And yet… this feeling, it's here, in the pit of my stomach and in here my chest, painful with each beat of my heart. I stand up straight and look up to the sky. This is foolish. No, I'll never help the Avatar. Never. I tell myself this confidently.

The Avatar… No! But still, the feeling won't leave, and as I stare up at the darkening sky, I am truly unsure, for the first time, of where my loyalties lie.

0o0

This turned out slightly different that I had originally intended, but I think it's not too bad. Now remember, cookies loves writing and reviews encourage her to write better and more, so click the button below, yes that one, and tell me what you guys think! Thanks!

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